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I also picked up that she believed Manson had awoken her into this world. I will never forget those brief moments of her voice, her perception or the combining of our consciousnesses, while she had control of my physical body, where I had merely observed the scene from the back of the psyche, seeing the world through her eyes. She saw Manson as holy, surrounded by light. While she had been conscious within my body, this 'angelic being' was most fascinated in a stone on the ring of Manson's finger which she touched. When she lifted her finger from it, it sparked white light. Then as she moved her hand around light seemed to be left behind from her fingertips.
It was time to go. But with this 'being of light' still conscious, I had limited recollection of leaving. I experienced the world in fragments as we appeared to change positions within the psyche. I remember seeing Manson through my own eyes on the steps in the daylight, but I had no idea of what was said. I 'came to' on the street, looking for my car with no idea of the time, or how I had arrived there. I have had this same 'angelic being' walking in my body over many years, but to remain conscious and see the world through her eyes, while being aware that there were two of us sharing the psyche or awareness at that time, was one of the more amazing experiences in my life. I now know that she has been part of my life since birth and that, although her consciousness is not of this world, we still seemed to be a part of one another. Whether I became her or she became me is beside the point. What is important, is that we had a combined consciousness, or a shared existence.
While at Giuseppe Court I began to walk the dogs at the Rapid Creek beach. Kindi was blind and, because her surroundings had changed and the tiled step was the same cream colour as the concrete, I had to lift her down. Then I lifted both dogs into the 4WD. It was difficult with the CFIDS. Lifting the dogs four times proved to be a challenge, since with the long term illness and lack of physical exercise my muscles had now grown weak.
A thirty minute walk in the sand at the beach, or on the grass beneath the shady trees of the foreshore, tired them out for the day, and me along with them. As we were about to drive back to Giuseppe Court at Sunset Cove, I turned to look at them both sitting in the back seat, sand coating their fur, eyes wide and sulky from exhaustion and noticed how they had turned into 'fatties'. I transferred my feelings to them. I can't love you much more than I already do, without breaking my own heart.
During February in 2005, Kindi refused to leave her quilt that had been placed on the tiles in the empty loungeroom. For the first time in sixteen years she chose not to come with Binda and I on a walk. Instead she just looked at the lead and made no attempt to move. Kindi was old and partially blind, but she was not sick. She was still a little goer. But today, Kindi, who could usually outrun most dogs to the ocean and to the food dish, did not want to walk anymore. So I left her to herself in the sunny loungeroom, while Binda and I went to the beach on our own.
After we had walked for a while, I sat down on the sand and cried. It was very hard walking on the beach without her. We had always been a unit of three, not just two. I looked out into the distance where we had often walked at night in the warm green equatorial rain after first arriving in Darwin back in 1998 and I knew in my heart that everything was going to end. Pretty soon Binda looked like he wanted to get going and so I got up and we made our way towards the car along the walking path.
The path had the beach to one side and an open grass reserve on the other. On this particular section there was some undergrowth to my left on the beach side of the path. We were walking back to the car when Binda vanished. One moment he had been by my side and the next he was gone. There was no sign of him at all, in any direction. I knew something was odd. I suddenly had an awful feeling of events spiralling beyond my control. Then things appeared to move in slow motion. There was a complete absence of sound. I looked for Binda under the clump of foliage, but he was not there. Nor was he anywhere. I had a terrible fear inside, the kind that occurs in nightmares where I am unable to get to my dogs in order to save them. |
