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The 'phenomena' continued at the Giuseppe Court unit with the sound of 'breathing out' in mid air by the bed. It was so loud that it woke me up. I just lay there looking into the empty space where the sound was coming from. In deep grief, at first I thought that it sounded like Binda's exhalation, but he wouldn't have done it continually. Also 'it' then did it a fourth time. It was still next to the bed, but higher up in the air. I remembered back to a time before the dogs had died, when I had been sitting at my office desk and something had almost shaken the front wire security screen door off its hinges. I had moved towards the window peeking out between the blinds. There was no one there and nowhere where anyone could have been hiding.
Soon Raymond from The Australian Institute of Parapsychological Research called again. He insisted that I was causing everything to happen with my own mind. At the same time, he would accuse me of 'magical thinking'. He was still pestering me about coming to Darwin to meet me. Raymond's 'expert advice' on this occasion was that the delays in the charitable work I had experienced after moving into Giuseppe Court, may have been due to the fact that 'deep down inside', I didn't really want to help children after all. If he was right and I was to follow this logic to its full extent, then the stone that had materialised on the kitchen tiles, may have been caused by my secret desire to kill my own dogs. He then called me 'darling' at the end of the call. This was inappropriate. I'd finally had enough. As far as I was concerned, he wasn't 'qualified' enough to know the difference between a ghost and a bed sheet.
The estate agent was still refusing to fix the problems of people coming through the backyard or the unsafe drinking water at the premises. I was grieving and had suffered from another CFIDS relapse as a result. I needed somewhere I could feel safe and be left alone for a while, in order to recover and talk myself into going on in the world without the dogs. I went into the Parap Veterinary Hospital in order to donate the dog's quilts and toys and to pay off a $4,000 vet bill. I was left short of money. While I stood at the counter, a drip of fluid started from my nostril similar to the one Binda had had in the last few days of his life. Over the next couple of years I developed a leaky gut which was what had killed Kindi, and liver problems, whenever I did not drink enough water. I had read that these were also common symptoms of CFIDS, but in my case I felt that I was experiencing an 'entanglement of consciousness' with the dogs.
After 'Pushkin' had been found a new forever-home in Leanyer, I was alone. In my soul I had begun to drift aimlessly between this life and another life in hopes of finding the dogs. The sounds of this world became muffled and distant as if I was walking through an unreal world. Inside myself the bargaining continued, you must stay here, there are others to help, what about all the other cats and dogs who need assistance? There was this and the fact that in leaving this life forever, there were no guarantees of ever finding the dogs again. The only certainty was my awareness of existing in the present moment. At least while I existed and remained aware, I would remember them. But my real concern and hence the real pain, was not whether I was able to remember them, but whether or not they were okay.
I hurried past the pet aisle at the supermarket with all the dishes and toys. Every dog reminded me of them; every walk reinforced their absence. I did not want to walk on my own. I locked myself indoors with the blinds drawn and photos of the dogs stuck to the cupboard, so that I saw them anywhere I was in the room. I was waiting for them to come back. I was so desperate that I ended up paying a grief counsellor eighty dollars. As it turned out, this counsellor's words were to be my first step forward. She looked at me at the end of the session and said, "Remember, you are the source of your own love."
I found that being around other people at this time was best. On one occasion Tricia and I had been called to a friend's place. Cassandra was going back down to Perth for work and was wanting to rent out her two bedroom unit while she was away. Tricia and I had made sure that it was tidied up and were assisting her with finding a tenant. As we interviewed one young woman the fan and power kept flickering on and off making a loud BOOOM as it did so. It sounded like the power to the house was somehow being blocked and a pressure building up, so that it suddenly surged back through with an explosion. I knew that this was a result of the 'phenomena' telling me something, but we ended up signing her up anyway. The next day the hot water system burst, filling the washing machine with water to half way and flooding the bathroom.
A few weeks later while at Malak Crescent, Tricia mentioned that Cassandra's new tenant had rang and said that she hadn't paid the first fortnight's rent. This was followed by the BOOOM sound as the entire townhouse blacked out, with all the appliances, including ceiling lights, fans, computer and her television turning themselves on and off twice. Tricia's mouth dropped and we both looked at each other. I said, "I didn't do it." I saw this as a warning sign in regard to Cassandra's new tenant. We later to found out that the premises were being used as a party and drug house by a well-known dealer in Darwin. |
