DIABOLIS [1]: UNFINISHED BUSINESS
I Was Led Into The Bright Dark Of The Dragon, Until His Heartbeat, Had Slowly Become My Own.
Waking Up: Early Stages
Under the mesmerism of The Dragon and his demons, the natural world was not only beautiful and mysterious, but it became my home, my spiritual sanctuary. The only thing that The Dragon had to do then, was to lure me in to the dream, with the voices of a thousand different spirits, ancestral, ancient, knowledgable, and I was gone away with them ... away from the society of humans, who had murdered Jesus.
Therefore, it would seem natural, that in the worse period of my life, when I sought both comfort and truth, that I would reach out to another spirit world [a counterfiet] and that The Dragon's willing hand, would take mine into his own, as I turned to the natural world, made 'holy' by 'spirits', as my place of worship. When God came to retrieve me, I had been placed under an enchantment [mind control], that rendered me accustomed to darkness, sympathetic to faeries [devils] and believing that I was only half human and that my destiny was to be taken to Hell with my surrogate father, The Dragon [a fallen cherubim]. I felt I had no choice but to submit to him. The dark side insisted they had a claim on me, that they said was 'generational' and I had grown too weak to fight it. I both loved and hated the dark landscape into which I had very gradually wandered. There seemed to be no way out and even if there was, would I be capable of getting to that doorway of hope? I was destroyed and no longer fit to be loved. But God sent His holy angels into the darkness to rescue me.
I thought Jesus was dead and gone. As a child, I had been abandoned by the only human being I related to. As an adult, I took on the task of making the world, into what it might have been, had Jesus kept on living amongst us and had the world, become more like him ... I had no understanding whatsoever, of the fact that Jesus had died for us. This was beyond my understanding, because Jesus was still locked inside my grieving heart. I had not focused upon his resurrection, since in the movies I had watched, it was always his brutal death that was finally focused on. I had no idea who The Apostle Paul was. I had never heard of Acts or Revelations. I had no understanding of angels, demons, satan or any spiritual threat, or the true nature of God. To me, it had been simple: I didn't believe in Hell. I loved God and I loved Jesus. Human beings killed Jesus. God let it happen. I didn't understand why. Now Jesus was a billion eons away in heaven and we were left to face life alone, in an ever darkening and suffering world, where upon death, if we had loving hearts, we would go to heaven, assisted by angels of light, to become co-creators, alongside an impersonal life force, called God. This abrupt awakening was all too much for me.
I had no idea, that as a human being, I had been born into something ... a cosmic war, that was Biblical in nature. It was barely able to cope with this on its own. As I read The Bible, it quickly dawned on me, that we were, meaning that all of us, that is, all of humanity, were actually living in a 'Biblical' reality, whether we knew it, or not. As soon as I had read the words of Jesus, I knew that it was He, who spoke to me through those words and I knew those words to be true and once I knew The Bible to be true, everything outside it, became a terrible lie, designed to destroy my soul.
I Was Overwhelmed With Remorse, At My Complete And Utter Inability, To Do What Pleased God.
The Agony Of Remorse
I looked at my library. It was a lie. Books purchased, borrowed, collected ... books read, books as yet unread. In my disbelief, I thought, if only I had got to read all of Jung, before I found out the truth! The Dragon was still at work in me and I felt like someone, who was still looking at a banquet table of poisonous food, that would cause serious illness and thinking, if only I could have eaten everything on that table, before going on a healthy diet! It was like I just wanted to experience the lie, a little bit longer. I still wanted to fill my head with more lies, that The Holy Spirit would have to then clean out ... I thought of everyone I knew, who was under Satan. The burden of this knowledge, had me to my spiritual knees and even so, I still would not have felt a pin drop of the anguish, that God must have felt, for his lost creation.
What I was feeling, was the worst possible thing imaginable and that was that I had somehow hurt God, or Jesus and that I had utterly and miserably failed God, which of course, I had. Having no knowledge of the fall of humankind or my sinful nature, or of Jesus as a stand-in, there was no way out, but through the agony of remorse.
Thinking of Jesus living on the earth and then dying on the cross and what that had meant to me as a child, and that by being deceived, I was in fact, keeping him dead in my heart and knowing how God loved His son, and knowing how much God loved us and how much Jesus loved us, ... was just too much and so, these initial stages of waking up, were mostly spent in a state of shock. I was also still attached to and terrified of The Dragon and I begged God's holy angels, not to let him materialise, to take me to Hell, when I died. I had no idea how to tell people what I had been shown. It was hopelessly overwhelmning. Often exhausted, I would simply fall into a shocked sleep, not a disturbed light sleep, but the deeper sleep of hibernation, to try to escape, just like my little brother had once done, after his arm had been broken.
I Had Never Encountered Hatred Like This In A Human Being. This Was An Ancient Malice Driving 'Mackenzie'.
Ancient Demonic Malice
The first thing I felt, was simple disbelief. The shock setting in, seemed to enable me, to accept the situation, but from a distance, as if the reality of it became any closer, that my ability to cope would be at risk. The fact that I then proceeded to relate to Mackenzie Knight, as if he was a disgruntled lover, only went to show the extent of the oppression I was under. I was guilty of what I might have done to make him hate me so much. It was ancient malice, hatred unexpressed and unaccounted for, the malice of eons, stale, viscious, animalistic, intelligent, brutal, cunning and completely deranged. It was a mind that pried into my own with wide open eyes, that discovered everything about my life, that penetrated and enhanced every weakness, that laughed and celebrated every pain and sorrow and that heckled and jeered at failure and that despised and misunderstood anything to do with love.
Mackenzie was not a sexual being. He was a deranged unclean spirit, who wanted to tear me to shreds. He wanted not to have sex with me, but to murder me. An acquaintance, who was also a muslim, insisted that Mackenzie Knight was one of the jinn, after I showed him my photographs. He suggested that perhaps he was 'in love' with me, since the jinn were able to 'marry' human beings in their culture. Thinking this outragous, I thought, ... oh yeah, he's in love with me, all right ... in the way that he wants to possess and degrade and murder my body, so he can drag my consciousness to Hell. I asked, "So, what do you think he wants?" He smiled, "He may be single, or lonely and he will take your soul to Hell and in order to do so, he needs your body dead." "Oh, right. Great. Just great." Still in a state of confusion, I had refered to Mackenzie as jinn for a while, but the Biblical interpretation won out.
The Dream Between Worlds
There was a dream that I lived in, between two worlds, where nothing I had become captivated by, was leading me to the truth. In fact, it was leading me further and further away, into an increasingly complex spiral, the hypnosis plunging me into the centre, where, mesmerised by millions upon millions of demonic lies, thoughts and preoccupations, overlapping, analogies, metaphoric, symbolic, self-sustaining, procuring, self supporting half truths, to a place where my drunken spirit, displeasing to God, would be crushed out of existence. All the while, and under the dream-like pleasure of trance mediusmship, I would be half controlled, the puppet of a greater consciousness than my own. I was okay one moment and the next, I was drifting. I was still living half in and half out, of the world of spirits and deeply preoccupied with the experiences of a newly awoken and fully operational multiple consciousness.
I was still emerging from the worldly and sensual dream of The Dragon. God's holy ministering angels were positioned about me, but they also held off, knowing that I had to bring myself back, into the right spiritual state. This was a painful process.
Even though I knew they were there, I always seemed to forget again. Even when I forgot them, they never left my side. It was a slow road back and one in which it was important, that I took each and every step. But I was weak, still teetering on the edge of a world, that desired my death and a greater existence, that now offered both liberation and redemption, a life in eternity that began now, in the spirit, as a born again Christian, under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. While I didn't know it at the time, I was still struggling on the ledge between two kingdoms. The ruler of one kingdom invited me to remain with him, so that I would perish along with everything in it. The ruler of the other kingdom, would not let go of that which he had chosen before the beginning of time. Unknown to me at the time, I was one of his own. But he was patient and kind, allowing me to awaken at my own pace, only startling me out of the dream, if and when, he knew that my situation was again becoming precarious. Mackenzie Knight and Boots still lurked somewhere in the background and The Dragon had not finished with me yet. And neither, as it turned out, had God.
Here With Me - Dido |
