I Loved Jesus, But I Was Afraid To Let Him Love Me.
I did not love Jesus because I was afraid of GOD. When I first loved Jesus I had no fear of Hell. I had no understanding of God's wrath, no belief in The Devil. I did not love Jesus because I was grateful for Him dying on the cross. I did not want Him to die at all. At five years of age, I did not understand that He died for me, or that there was anything beyond this world, or that He was still alive or that would be coming back. Jesus was not my ticket to Heaven. When I first loved Him I didn't understand the cross, or why it was necessary, or that it was a gift, or that God was in control. All I knew is that I did not want Jesus to die, leaving me here alone.
I could not help but love Him, and when He was beaten and murdered in front of me on the cinema screen, I felt the world murder my own heart. And without the right knowledge or understanding, I only ever reached the moment where all love was lost, where the greatest light I had ever known was extinguished, and where I had been left to myself, in a world being so unlike Him, with only my own heart beating. So I searched for Him all my life, because there is no living without the one you love.
I Thought Jesus Was Dead And Gone And That We Had Been Left Alone.
I placed a ring on my finger and said that I was married to GOD. But Jesus had become a distant dream, the perfect man, while I looked for him in every one I met, leading to never ending disappointment, like searching for sunlight in the bottom of a swamp, where I was drowning, growing slowly accustomed to an ever increasing darkness, that I would one day mistake for holiness. You see, without The Holy Bible as my guiding light back to Him, I was a rudderless ship, without map or compass, sailing towards her own destruction. I only went on because I couldn't forget Him, since I felt Him living within my heart. He seemed to be still living within my heart.
I heard a preacher, Paul Washer, say, "I loved Jesus because he loved me first." And I knew that there was truth in it. Perhaps this was the reason that I loved Jesus. I loved Jesus without knowing that He knew who I was. I loved Jesus when all love seemed out of reach. For me it had been love at first awareness of Him. There was no choice in the matter. I helplessly loved Jesus Christ. Only my private fretting and lifelong searching revealed my desperation to have Him remain in my life. How does a frail hopeless human being receive the love of a Great and Holy GOD? How does one prepare to fight on behalf of GOD ALMIGHTY who sacrificed Himself for us?
If I had known His perfect love, and that He knew every hair on my head, every thought on my mind, every sin in my heart, then I would have crawled into a dark corner beneath my bed, terrifed of what only He could give. I so desperately wanted My Father to love me, but how to receive it? For this was divine love, pure, inescapable, glorious, overwhelming, eternal. Not of this earth. I only existed by this love and yet I naturally fought, against the very spirit, that would sustain me, beyond this life.
The Full Armour Of God Ephesians 6:10-17 [KJV].
I first loved Jesus, because He brought me to life with His breath. How could a blossom not love the tree that it bloomed from? My Saviour had been waiting for me, before I was born. It is difficult to express what I really mean, only to say, that in loving Jesus, I could not be alive and not love Him. And for you who live and breathe Christ on earth, you will have truth, you will know that your life is continuing. And you will love Jesus, because there will be no choice inside you, but to love Him.
How can I feel like the most blessed person on earth and the most wretched at the same time? How is my heart filled with anguish and joy simultaneously? Knowing that He desires that we all come to Him, is more than I could have hoped for in this life, a joyous continuing.
This world quickly died to His Word. It preserved the fortress that I had built against Him. I love Him so deeply, I am afraid of His loving, and not loving me.
The Holy Bible Painted By Vincent Van Gough.
While I feel that I am as broken as the land I have written poetry about, God's holy ministering angels have told me that my work in His name would begin on earth and continue on in Heaven. Just as God's grace continues to fall upon me, I can only pray in all supplication to a Divine and Holy Creator, that the good work He has begun in me will be finished, and knowing My Father to the limited degree that I do, and in continuing to understand Him and His promise through The Holy Scriptures and The Gospel of Our Lord Jesus Christ, I know that if God is willing, then it will be so ...
How I love you, Jesus. How in all I have felt for another's pain, You were guiding me through those feelings, Your deepening eyes weeping through mine, and through Your tears my caring came, and in Your pain you carried all my sin upon Your back, forgiving a fallen and murderous world, still blinded to Your Holy Word, and how that in everything that I have loved, or thought, or done that was good, You were the one and only God of mercy and enduring love, that the seed of my life grew from. It is only through Your eternal love, that I was able to love at all, and it is only through You, that I am able to continue to love like I do. My Redeemer. My Saviour. My King.
At The Foot Of The Cross - Passion Of The Christ
This website is part of my personal testimony and has been guided by The Holy Spirit and written in Jesus' name.
